What I have realized about myself is that I get bored easily. I need to have constant new people in my life. I talk to multiple guys because Im afraid to waste all my time on just one person. I learned what it was like to waste your time with one person for too long and I never want to go through that again. I guess Im playing it safe. Im too young to settle down just yet. I need to really make sure this time around. I need to know that the next person I fall in love with will be the one I end up with for the rest of my life. That is why I cant just be with one person. I cant date only one guy, do that for a few months and then move on. I freak out at the slightest sign of commitment. I am far from the girl I used to be
I used to be with someone who would constantly tell me I needed a man to validate myself. That I was a weaker person without a man and if I wasnt in a relationship, I wouldnt feel complete. He thought he was more superior because he was the “independent” type. I was with this man off and on for years. And the thing I noticed was that the times we werent together he became lonely, yearning for compainship. This is why we constantly got back together. And when we finally ended it all..it wasnt long before he found someone new. Yet as for me, the girl who “needs a man to validate herself,” lets see im single, finally the happiest I have been in years, have an amazing job and great salary, and I have been accepted into a great Grad school program at an Ivy League university. Mind you I did this on my own, without having a man or woman by my side. My validation comes from loving myself. I dont need to jump into relationships because I “get lonely” and have to have someone by my side. As far as Im concerned, it was never me who needed a partner to make me feel whole. These past few months are a clear definition of that. I can say Im truly happy, and I know this because, even though I care for you, Im not the one that reaches for the phone first.
"The biggest coward is a man who awakens a woman’s love with no intention of loving her."
Important things I’ve learned in the last 6 months.
A Letter to My 16 year old Self
What you learn at 16 is quite different than what you learn at 22. If I could go back in time and take your hand I would. If I could prevent you from experiencing the pain and struggle that you have gone through, I would. To make sure you didn’t spend many nights crying yourself to sleep, or nights sitting in the dark with nothing but a box cutter. I would grab your hand and guide you away from the young love that has so devastatingly destroyed you. You have experienced the kind of love that no one should ever experience. Though it has taught you many things, it has destroyed the very essence of who you once were. This love showed you the meaning of lies, cheats, and guys who live a double life. You learned what it was like to have life in your hands and then quickly take that life away. And when that happened you lost a piece of yourself. Never again would you allow yourself to go through that sort of pain. Today you are far from the girl you used to be at 16. You aren’t capable of the unconditional love that you once had. You run from love. You run from anything with the words commitment. You are afraid of being vulnerable once again. Afraid of the idea of getting hurt. If I could, I would erase the years of pain and hurt you have gone through. Erase the memories of the man you gave yourself fully to, only to have him take everything you once were away. I would tell you though, that you are happy. Happy for the first time in years. Happy because you are almost towards your goals. I hate that it took you so long to finally become happy. I hate that years went by and your happiness was a mere illusion to the outside world. Im sorry that have felt pain at a young age. Im sorry I allowed myself to harm you in such a cruel way. Im sorry I didn’t get out of the situation sooner so you could find happiness. If I could give life back to you, I would. For you just to see that heartbeat one more time, I would give it to you. Im sorry you had to learn lessons that hard way. But it has made you stronger. It has made you wiser. Don’t let anyone or anything ever bring you down. You are the woman you are today because of a story that no one will ever know. The one person that you need to love you is yourself. So if I could take the hand of my 16 year old self, I would grab it and tell myself, I Love You and I hope that makes all the difference.
You are going to have moments of unbearable pain. It takes time to learn how to heal yourself. And healing sometimes still leaves scars. Healing is sometimes incomplete. Think of your scars as battle-wounds – evidence of how much wiser you are now- maps of where not to return. Cherish these scars and honor them. There will come times when they are the only reminder of where you have been, and how much you still need to grow.
You always valued the fact that I could love unconditionally but the truth is I can no longer do that. Im so afraid of being in a relationship. So afraid of loving. The very essence that you loved about me, you have taken away. The fact that I have a good guy calling me baby, makes me want to run for the hills. I always wanted a great guy who would do great things for me and now that I have it I just want to run from it.
Something I hate…
When I get a text that starts off “Not sure why Im writing this but…”
like really?? then dont text me -___-
"My first love was the kind of love you fight for."
We traveled together.
"If you’re twenty-two, physically fit, hungry to learn and be better, I urge you to travel - as far and as widely as possible. Sleep on floors if you have to. Find out how other people live and eat and cook. Learn from them- wherever you go."
This piece has truly impacted me in so many ways!!
to all the boys I’ve loved before
we are not your mothers
and the only thing I’ve really lost
I guess shit happens
and I guess
but I’m still gonna try to live by it
I will sleep on dry pillows now in a bed big enough to love myself in